Cars, Man

Unless you have locked yourself in an opium den for the past few days, you probably know that a lame duck congressional session is currently hearing testimony from the heads of Ford, Chrysler, General Motors and the United Auto Workers union over the necessity of a government bailout to save their sorry asses. These fat cats are discussing the causes of their failure, the possible effects of said failure, and ways to use their public money should they get it. Watching these men wiggle while being grilled by the House is so pathetic that it almost makes me feel sorry for them…but not quite.

Rescuing this particular bunch of billionaires, unlike the bankers earlier this fall, would be money well wasted. I think the government would be better off giving me a few billion to use as bung fodder during a camping trip than handing it over to the fools sitting on Capitol Hill this week. They have run a proud sector of Americana into the ground, and still have no idea what went wrong. The last thing these men need is a handout.

The company men blame the industry’s failure on labor fees, sub par financing options, and the overwhelming costs of restructuring products to fit the modern economy. The union gripes about job loss and all of the fun things that go along with it. I say they just suck at business.
It is true that union wages are expensive. It is no big secret that our financial sector has all but completely shit the bed in the past year, which has made it more difficult for people to get car loans. And I would assume that redirecting a multi-billion dollar product line would, in fact, hinder profit. But they don’t seem to be crying these tears in Japan.

Over the course of the past decade, Japanese auto makers have put a serious beat down on their American counterparts. Toyota, Suzuki, and Honda have been particularly successful. The key to their victory is obvious: They make better cars! The Toyota Prius, for example, has been kicking ass on the market for years. It is a hybrid with top-of-the-line safety ratings which gets about 45 miles per gallon on the average highway trip. Compare this to similar American models and you’ll find that…well…THERE AREN’T ANY!

I am not an economist, nor do I aspire to be, but I would suspect that rising gas prices (remember last summer?) would lead to an increase in demand for fuel efficient vehicles. If fuel efficiency has been a priority in Japan for over a decade, they are bound to have gotten good at making good cars that are easy on gas. America’s big answer has been to pump out pieces of crap like the Chevy Aveo, which feels like a soup can, looks like a nipple, and rides like a Huffy. Oh, yeah, and the Aveo is not a hybrid.

As sympathetic as I am to labor unions, the UAW seems to be S.O.L. on this one. Job loss in the auto industry began decades ago. Take a drive through Gary, Indiana and you will see what I mean. The entire Great Lakes region (in which I was born and raised) has become a stain on the world-poverty blanketed by smog as far as the eye can see.

What’s that? You wonder how it reached this point? Well, in part because industry is disgusting and was largely unregulated for the better part of a century. And you, Mr. UAW, have done little to help any cause aside from higher wages for button pushers on an assembly line. If you want to see real work, talk to an illegal immigrant. They’d be happy to trade places. Or perhaps a non-union factory worker who you have continually dumped on with your own candor would be a good moral mentor. Campaign for the environment, give to education; hell, you could even lay down some cash for your own company to make green vehicles! Until you sacrifice a little of yourself, stop expecting others to do the same for you. And if you’re that down and out, Mr. Union, Toyota is hiring.

I say enough is enough! The only thing more disgusting than laissez-faire economic policy is hit-and-miss socialism. To hell with these chumps, it's 2008. If the economy collapses, so be it! I’ll hop a train and hold my own.

Sit on that,
Mr. Cleveland